24 Mar So I Got Tinder
I don’t like Tinder. But last Thursday I finally gave in and got it. It marked the end of a long battle which pitted my so-called principles (it’s inescapably shallow, it’s one-dimensional) against what I guess we could call ‘practicality’ (you can’t deny it’s a powerful tool for meeting new people).
So I made a profile. I chose a variety of half-decent photos. And I typed up a brief, vaguely accurate bio. Okay first I typed a longer one with loads of sarcastic jokes. But fine, I cut that out.
Contrary to what I imagine is true of most cishet males; I decided early on that I wasn’t going to slip into lazily liking hotties based on their photos alone.
Nah, I’m better than that. So I decided I would ‘like’ people based on a combination of factors:
- Do they have a bio? (Bios count in your favour).
- If they have a bio – do they sound cool, clever, or comical? (Correction: good bios count in your favour).
- Are their photos interesting? (A variety: both of you and the things you do, please).
- Are they at least somewhat attractive? (Snap judgments based on looks are gross. But if there is absolutely zero sexual attraction, swiping right is just false hope. And I ain’t here to make friends).
But there are exceptions. Once I swiped right for woman named ‘Deja’. I really wanted to ask her if her surname was ‘Vu’. Sadly, she must have swiped left. Maybe it had happened to her before…
When you’re picky, swiping right is rare. These are my red flags:
- Not necessarily a ‘no’, but please people. You like wine. You like animals. You love travelling. We get it? Originality please!
- “I’m a Sagittarius!” Actually, I believe you’re a ‘no’.
- “I love Jesus” is a ‘no’. Like cool, happy for you, we’re not going to have that in common.
- Cheesy or overly sentimental quotes are a ‘no’. If I see another “love, live, laugh” I will vomit.
- If you straight up have your number accompanied by “Whatsapp me” on your profile, then ‘no’.
- “Just here for two weeks” – well, that hardly seems worth the effort.
- Duck face photos, multiple selfies, and generally dark and dingy web cam snaps with weird poses? ‘No’.
- Cultural appropriation is a massive ‘no’. Seriously, you’re not Hindu.
- In fact: Trance music, Trance festivals, or anything vaguely trance-related is out. Trance is just the worst. In the words of Beyonce: “To the left, to the left.”
- Anyone who has been on the Zombie Walk gets a ‘no’. I hate the Zombie Walk. I don’t even know why. I just hate it.
Sigh, so apparently that’s pretty much everyone out. But whatever, I’m already kind of over you, Tinder.